These are just honest musings. But musings happen to have a habit of infecting a mind.
Do I believe in God because I have been told about God? Do I question God because I am in a society which allows me the freedom to question God?
Had I grown up in some isolated bubble, my idea (if any) of ‘God’ would be radically different due to that environment. Along with my ability to question and access resources that enabled me to engage in both sides of the debate.
Should I even question? It seems odd to ask, but for so long humanity has not had the space to do just that, to ask more questions.
I want to know – do I believe in and follow Jesus because I am comfortable here or because I actually believe it. I know Christianity – I know lots about it and some of it makes sense – but so much doesn’t stick together.
People tell me, ‘just listen to Jesus, just follow His teachings’.
But those same men and women seem to hold a faith vastly superior to mine. Believing in healings, miracles, and divine wisdom. Whereas I just feel like a fraud.
At the same time, without a faith, where do I get my moral compass, my purpose, my reason from?
I am lost without my faith.
I don’t want to believe: There is no purpose to this life other than the one I forge for myself. Or that my pain, hurt and confusion mean nothing. Or that when my beautiful children die they cease to exist. That they ‘live’ on in the memories of those who loved them, until they, along with the memory of my children pass away.
But is that just because I am selfish, or because something within me really screams ‘No, there is more!’?
Some days I manage to work myself to belief but when the night comes doubt often creeps upon me like a morning mist. Somedays I manage to rid myself of the doubt, I mange to refocus and engage with Jesus and faith. Some days I feel SO lost, like a man within a storm unable to see the lighthouse or shore.
My boat is sinking and I fear I am going to drown.
I scream and cry out, ‘HELP ME LORD – I WANT TO BELIEVE’, but too often all I hear are the winds screaming and these waters just seem to rise.
What happens when belief dies? I don’t know…
Has my belief died? I fear for the worst… but is it the worst?!
I don’t know where these roads will lead – but I will share the journey.
_End of Blog Blurb_
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share about my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.
Grammar, spelling, capitalisation and punctuation: I am massively dyslexic. It has taken me years to get to the level I am currently at with writing and I have done this mainly through reading. I want to be better, and ask you reader to please forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you notice improvement upon improvement over the coming years.
Time Frame: This blog is roughly six to nine months behind where I currently am at in my journey out of religion. It’s important to remember that when reading and commenting.
If you want to connect with me, then you can get in touch via any of the social media links that can be found at the top of the page. If you want to get every post straight to your inbox then you can do that by either following directly via WordPress or with your email address, whichever you prefer – the links are to the right.
I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂