It’s hard being honest

I write this with the full realisation that this journey changes everything.

Honesty scares people, they fear that they don’t know you. Doubt confuses people, as they worry about where you are going to land at the end of the journey. But I don’t know if this will ever land…

I wake at nights. Honestly.

I see the faces of the people who have walked along the same paths as me over the last 30 years of my life. Most of them are Christian – but that is because that is where I have invested my efforts and time.

I see those same people there, cheering me on in my Christian faith, full of confidence in who God has made them and me. I see the ‘calling’ I was walking towards – to teach God’s people His word.

But then their faces change. Disappointment and rejection cast shadows over their features, they contort and then they fade to black. The years fast forward and the friends I had have fled, ash falls through my fingers and I am alone.

I am isolated within a Christian bubble. When doubt casts its shadow across that landscape I know I need anchors elsewhere, and that it will take everything within me to live through this and survive.

My wife, our two children and I moved to a new town for a church in 2018. We have invested our ‘all’ into God and His purposes.

Doubt changes everything. My doubt is a beheading.

At least I know my Wife accepts me no matter where the journey goes – but what do I teach and how do I raise my children?!

I don’t want to lose those who I genuinely love. Whether they be family, friends or those on distant shores that I have come to know over the years, and I hope that I don’t.

I can’t predict the future – and I should really stop trying. But there is a fear within me that overtakes at times. All I can do is take the next step day after day, and see where this goes.

Doubt courses within my veins. I know what I should feel or believe, but I’m just a passenger on a journey that I can’t control. No matter how hard I try, belief’s always allusive. That might be reassuring or horrifying for you to know (depending on your own beliefs).

I am going to be brutally honest on this blog – because this is my journey and my way of being transparent and real.

_End of Blog Blurb_

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share about my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.

Grammar, spelling, capitalisation and punctuation: I am massively dyslexic. It has taken me years to get to the level I am currently at with writing and I have done this mainly through reading. I want to be better, and ask you reader to please forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you notice improvement upon improvement over the coming years.

Time Frame: This blog is roughly six to nine months behind where I currently am at in my journey out of religion. It’s important to remember that when reading and commenting.

If you want to connect with me, then you can get in touch via any of the social media links that can be found at the top of the page. If you want to get every post straight to your inbox then you can do that by either following directly via WordPress or with your email address, whichever you prefer – the links are to the right.

I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂

-Sam

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