This is not for the feint of heart, as I am trying to allegorise my experience within depression. It took me a long time to write this, and I feel that for me, writing what is going on internally helps to process it and get it out externally. Please do let me know your thoughts.
These walls seem to be moveable. Not by me, rather a force outside of my control, a force dictating my thoughts, my mood and my actions. One moment I am free, then before I know what has happened I am trapped, locked, confined and suddenly I fall. From mountain top to deepest valley I slip, within a moment all has changed.
If I can’t thrive then I don’t want to survive. Pulling myself through another day, to repeat the pain, the hurt and to try and face the shadows is too much to bear. I am convinced it is me, that I am the catalyst of these problems. But how can one person be the cause of these colossal giants of despair that ravage the landscape of my life? Can you see them? Because they are here now.
I shy away, trying to hide behind a bolder or ruined building, hopefully, they have passed by, hopefully, they didn’t see me when they arrived. I close my eyes, desperate to make it through the present, but their roars split and crack the ground, throwing mud and stone into the air. Torrents of rain hit my face, blending in with the tears of my despair, as the colossal’s relentless crushing presence invades.
Suddenly the storm shifts and I open my eyes, it is in the distance now. The lightning is illuminating the horizon a flash and explosion at a time, but something is different now. Like a creeping mist the darkness begins to engulf my every external sense, a complete nothing shrouds me and all I am left with is the internal. I sense the breath moving in and out of my chest and it heaves, my heart is beating a moment at a time, and the darkness pushes more, beginning to encroach upon the internal me. It demands everything. It is commanding me, tempting me, daring me, as though it knows that all I really want is to do it to give the complete nothing, my everything, to end this life.
A fire is raging now! Can you see the light dance upon the hills as the buildings burn? I go to run, but the distance is far too great to cover in time, so what is the point in even trying to strive to put out the flames? All I will be left with, regardless, is the smoked-out husk of what could have been. Mistakes, regrets, chances, dreams and hopes litter the ground. I reach down and feel the sand beneath my hands, I try to take another breath but now water rushes into my mouth and burns my lungs.
I push to the surface and splutter a gasp. I flail around, coughing, screaming, panicking. All I can hear is the crashing of waves in the distance, I know there is a shore, but where?
I see their eyes glowing now, as hands wrap their tendrils around my feet and legs, pulling. Light is pouring up from the murky water through eyes and mouths turned up in wicked smiles, and they begin to drag me down…
There is a bright light now, the sun is here and the sand beneath me shifts as I stand up and look out over the calm ocean. Sighing, I bury my hands into my jacket pockets, a single dagger of lightning screams out across the sky. I turn, pulling my collar up against the chill as rain begins to slowly patter down. Where did these clouds come from?
I make my way from the beach down a dirt track and I can hear it now, faint, but it is defiantly there, in the distance. I know that they are coming, the colossal’s roar is decimating and there is nothing I can do to stop them. The thuds of their feet crushing the ground grow in volume as they charge, and I see their movement through the trees in the distance, as they canopy sways and one by one the trunks fall down in domino-like effect. They are rushing closer and closer towards me. Their roars fill the air and I look down. The ground splits and cracks as lightning flashes and then the sky turns black.
_End of Blog Blurb_
That was really hard to write, and I want to say thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share about my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.
Grammar, spelling, capitalisation and punctuation: I am massively dyslexic. It has taken me years to get to the level I am currently at with writing and I have done this mainly through reading. I want to be better, and ask you reader to please forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you notice improvement upon improvement over the coming years.
Time Frame: This blog is roughly six to nine months behind where I currently am at in my journey out of religion. It’s important to remember that when reading and commenting.
If you want to connect with me, then you can get in touch via any of the social media links that can be found at the top of the page. If you want to get every post straight to your inbox then you can do that by either following directly via WordPress or with your email address, whichever you prefer – the links are to the right.
I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂