When I realised I was mourning God – I was shocked.
You morn something when it has gone, when it has taken flight and you realise that things are no longer the same, that things will never again be the same.
When I think about mourning, I quickly realise that I have mourned SO many things in my life. To name a few: friendships, seasons of life, good books and now it would seem, God.
Mourning can feel as though it is synonymous with death. I have known people who have passed away and I mourned their presence and the ‘what could have been’ moments. It is often painful and yet also a helpful journey. Filled with thankfulness, remembrance, gratitude, despair, regret and devastation.
God has saturated every area of my life, for the whole of my life. Not a season of my thirty years has passed by in which I have not been doing or involved with some Christian and God-focused purpose.
I have lost friends and family in the time I have been alive, and it has been hard. But I have never before felt the realisation dawn that God has passed on within my heart, that I no longer believe He is real, and realise that the God I thought I knew never was.
It like a double death. You see human history is now intrinsically linked to Abrahamic religions, as it has affected the world and especially the West’s development over the last few thousand years – you can’t live a day without feeling the effect on your life. It also affects my personal history, as a family that I never knew have shared, encouraged and believed in a Deity that has affected how they brought up their children, and in turn, those children did likewise, all the way to me.
When God dies, the death shudders sway me to the core. It feels as though they shake the very foundation of existence itself.
As I have said before, losing faith changes everything.
Grieving his existence and yet at the same time, without realising it, calling out His name.
It keeps catching me by surprise. Something will happen, and within my head or under my breath I catch myself mid-prayer – as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do. When I realise I am doing it, I stop and try to think about what took place in the present that unconsciously triggered me to pray.
Then I realise prayer is powerless, because God is not real, at least not the God I was taught to love and follow right from being a young boy.
Then the pain and hurt flood in. Pain at the unconscious lies of those who love me and hurt at the death of something I thought was more real than the world before my very eyes, and I mourn – I honestly weep and mourn.
But it will pass.
_End of Blog Blurb_
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share about my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.
Grammar, spelling, capitalisation and punctuation: I am massively dyslexic. It has taken me years to get to the level I am currently at with writing and I have done this mainly through reading. I want to be better, and ask you reader to please forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you notice improvement upon improvement over the coming years.
Time Frame: This blog is roughly six to nine months behind where I currently am at in my journey out of religion. It’s important to remember that when reading and commenting.
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I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂