I Mourn For You

I wrote a blog post about mourning God last week…

I told someone that I love very much that I was ‘mourning God’ yesterday. They broke down and cried. I asked them ‘what’s wrong?’, and they told me ‘I am mourning you, because without your Faith what are you’?

Here are the thoughts that flowed out of me over and hour or two of writing a personal response – I hope you find them interesting:

I realised something today.

You are more than your beliefs and hopes.

You are more than what you eat or how you look.

You are more than who you think you are and who others perceive you to be.

Your clothes don’t define you, nor does how you feel when Monday comes around. 

The expression on your face when you watch your favourite Netflix show, it doesn’t sum you up.

Feelings and thoughts don’t dictate who you are, nor does the amount of money you earn – it can’t tell anybody who you are.

Yes – we can pin our worth and define ‘who we are’ on all of those things, and I bet you can probably think of many others, but they do not sum up who we are, no matter how hard we try to make them.

When the end has come and gone, I am sure someone will look back at your life. They will remind themselves of you by how you acted to them and those around you whilst you were here. They will think about how you loved them and what made you a part of their life – those that knew and loved you will remember you for one main reason – their relationship with you.

But I am sure you still feel like you are more than this, for you are not a memory – right now you are a reality.

We cling to a belief in God because it gives us comfort in the pain, it makes the daily grind of human life fit within a framework that gives the ups and downs a place and allows us to have perspective.

But that in and of itself doesn’t mean it is true.

Losing belief in God does not define me, it does not sum up everything in me and stop me from being who I am right now. Why? Because a belief in God, even as much as Christian’s insist it is everything, does not make a single fucking difference on someone’s worth and purpose.

A worldview will dictate how and why you act. I don’t know where my worldview is to be fully found yet and I may never, but as Richard Feynman said, “I would rather have questions that can’t be answered than answers that can’t be questioned.

I can understand enough about the world and my life within its society to know how to act – it is within me. From that place, I can ask the questions that I find welling up within my being.

Life is a journey – you taught me that. 

We don’t stay motionless, because if we do, we will miss all that tomorrow could be. We have to take stock, evaluate and begin to move on all the time. From where I am sat right now as I write this all down, I would never be able to see a single sunrise or sunset – to experience those events I need to get up and move.

I want real sunsets; I want real life. I don’t want to settle for something if it is not true and real, because to me reality will always trump unquestioning my comfort.

I can’t shake this – what if morality, right and wrong, truth and worth were here before the first person put letters to parchment and coined a section of the Bible? What if we have created, in retrospect, a belief in a deity because we want to understand why we know someone has worth, or why we know that rape is wrong, or why some people want to love someone and spend their life with them.

What if we told stories of a God to those around us because: community is vital? 

Sharing stories is a massively important way to create a community that is connected and focused in the same direction. It reminds people not to steal or hurt each other because we are dependent on those around us to make it through the day – but that is just lived humanity, it’s not a justification to believe in Jesus.

Losing faith does not mean I change suddenly and become a monster. The truth is we all change over time regardless of a belief in a God. Life is running along a timeline and what we go through today will affect who we are tomorrow. Change is inevitable.

I know that rape is wrong – sure, there is a big cultural influence that tells me this, but there is also a biological, emotional and evolutionary part that we (humanity in the 21st century) really don’t understand fully yet, (I am sure there are more as well). We don’t understand it because for thousands of years we have put God into the gap and made the claim that He makes sense of these things.

We have relied on our stories over reason and study, as we have begun to try and find the real answers as to why we find ourselves where we are.

But what if we made Him up to explain things that we can’t get our heads around humanities journey within space and time?

Do not mourn me, because I am still the same man that you know and love.

I can be weak, selfish, broken and searching. I can be strong, loving, faithful and driven.

I am still Sam and Sam has always changed a little, each and every day.

_End of Blog Blurb_

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share about my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.

Grammar, spelling, capitalisation and punctuation: I am massively dyslexic. It has taken me years to get to the level I am currently at with writing and I have done this mainly through reading. I want to be better, and ask you reader to please forgive any errors in my writing. I hope you notice improvement upon improvement over the coming years.

Time Frame: This blog is roughly six to nine months behind where I currently am at in my journey out of religion. It’s important to remember that when reading and commenting.

If you want to connect with me, then you can get in touch via any of the social media links that can be found at the top of the page. If you want to get every post straight to your inbox then you can do that by either following directly via WordPress or with your email address, whichever you prefer – the links are to the right.

I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂

-Sam

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