My Agenda


I’ve been working through the book ‘Miracles’ by C.S. Lewis recently, if everything has gone to plan then you should have seen the book review, I posted last week on this blog.

Something that has really taken me aback whilst reading this book, and thinking things through, is my desire to make sure I hold a worldview that is resilient and robust in its ability to weather criticism and judgement.

I come at everything with an agenda. I want to hear things that back up my beliefs and traditions. I focus on the current situations within the world (Covid-19 or BLM as two examples as I write this) to judge my worldview or perspective against.

I was recently on a Facebook group chat with other people who have deconverted, all of whom are incredible people, and yet we all want to reinforce an aspect of our lives through our interactions with each other.

I don’t think I can come at anything without an agenda. But I wanted to take a moment and say it clearly:

I will say things, think things, come at things, live things, wish things, hope things, induce things, be things and desire things that impact every single area of my life.

My agenda when I am conscious is to address what is in front of me in a manner that allows me to make the most sense of what is real and what is not. My agenda very easily morphs into an anti-spiritual stance, where I bring my pre-convictions to the very things I want to honestly address and look into.

It’s this that is stalling within me atm. How do I know that I am not seeing evidence for Christianity, but being blind to it due to the stance I take before I even come near said evidence?

I see this all over atheist Twitter, Podcasts, Groups, Blogs etc. There is such a strong desire to clearly refute every single piece of evidence. What’s horrifying to me is that I haven’t had my eyes opened to it before.

This doesn’t mean anything they are saying is wrong. It just shows that the agendas brought to the evidence draw out a response that others cling to because it’s another event to make us feel more comfortable with the position we are in. Take a look at some YouTube comments for the Atheist Experience or Capturing Christianity. You will see different echo chambers re-enforcing their agendas/beliefs/stances/hopes.

Do the people who read this blog come here each week because I argue against Christianity? Are people here because they want someone to articulate responses that enforce their agendas.

I dream of a place where I can be as honest as I possibly can be. So that wherever I end up in the future I have journaled this down for all to see. Yes, warts and all.

Flip me, just go back to some of my earlier posts and you will see some amazingly awful warts. I am still working through the idea of reason. Can reason really be a chance event, and if it is just here by chance then is it reason or something else?

If we can’t try to explore the world, we find ourselves within as freely as we possibly can, by pointing out the agendas we cling to because we want to reinforce our stance, then we really need to ask, ‘what have I become’?

It’s funny, the last few weeks have really been a good few weeks reflecting upon my agnostic atheism and realising how much is wrong within it, and how much is so very wrong and broken within me.

There is a fabric of reality, and the question I want to come to, again and again, as I peel the layers of agenda away like an onion, is this. 

Is there more to this life than that which my eyes can see and my mind can hold?

_End of Blog Blurb_

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. It has taken me a few years to get to a place where I am able to share my loss of faith and to start writing about the journey that I am still on for you all. I hope you find it useful.

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I’ll see you back here at the same time next week 🙂


Farewell For Now When Belief Dies

It's time to stop, even though it breaks my heart. This episode serves as my reason why.   -Sam
  1. Farewell For Now
  2. When Belief Dies #100 – 'Psychedelics, Philosophy & God' with Peter Sjöstedt-Hughes
  3. When Belief Dies #99 – 'Open and Relational Theology' with Thomas Jay Oord
  4. When Belief Dies #98 – 'The Take Over' with Daniel Kelly & Roger Bretherton
  5. When Belief Dies #97 – 'The End?' with Daniel Kelly

2 Comments. Leave new

  • Yes, we all have our own agendas. That’s part of being human. And our agendas vary from day to day.

    I guess my agenda is to learn new and interesting stuff.

    I don’t much follow atheist blogs. I have never had an interest in reading Dawkins atheist books. I’m not into religion bashing. Let people believe what they want to believe. I follow your blog because you are telling a story that somehow meshes with my own experience.

    I am still working through the idea of reason.

    I am puzzled by this. Yes, we humans reason. The evidence suggests that other apes also reason, that crows reason, that dolphins reason. That we reason appears to be part of our biology. I’m puzzled that you have some sort of hang-up on this.

    • whenbeliefdies
      July 10, 2021 8:53 pm

      All I can say is that the blog is currently 14 months behind where I am and that things do progress.

      Delighted to have you reading it each week ✌️


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