I took 25g of Magic Truffle today. Psilocybin is a compound that affects how your brain relates to the world around you. I’ve taken it a couple of times before, and I have found the lasting effect of Psilocybin to be extremely helpful. It’s known to help you work things through, to connect you to yourself and to enable you to deal with depression.
Every time you take Psilocybin you are going to learn a lot about how you view the world and what it means to be alive. You are going to lose a bit of ‘you’ and realise that this ‘you’ you’ve lost was just a front anyway.
We need this in the world we live in today. I spent about 30 minutes watching the valley across from me as I had walked up fairly high on the hill I live. I saw the houses, the cars, the old Victorian mills and the schools. I saw the jobs we’ve created, and the institutions we have built. I saw the purpose we crave and the narratives we consistently tell ourselves. It’s visible on the very landscape, we have placed it here.
But 99% of it is bullshit. Of course, there is a place for home, education, work and purpose. But how we live isn’t honestly in line with the reality of our actual desires and the world we are within.
Anyway, I went for a walk a few days ago and found an incredible ravine near where I live. It’s unowned land and is fairly hard to traverse. You can see the water from the surrounding hills culminating and pouring down from all directions. The trees bend towards the stream at the bottom and the sides all around are high. Underfoot it is soft and springy from the decades of leaves that have fallen and decomposed.
It was here, about two hours into my trip today, that I spent 30 minutes meditating in nature, completely alone and isolated. I felt like my body had opened up and that I could never be as open and raw as I was right then. Nature welcomed me, consciousness didn’t turn away, I was accepted wholly and found myself so thankful that I could ACTUALLY drop all masks, completely. I lost myself. I wasn’t watching the world; I was the world.
From this place I walked back and forwards along a small deer trail for a while. I was crying out to Jesus, literally. I was completely open, and I was searching for him there in the woods at the top of the ravine amongst the orange leaves at the end of autumn. I longed to see the Aslan that C.S. Lewis used to portray Jesus, I called out to Him, I looked around desperately, and pleaded and begged for God to show Himself. A sign, a confirmation, a feeling. I wanted God to reveal Himself to me.
I realised that this is what today was meant to be about. I was meant to realise that I cannot find the very thing I have been searching for all my life. The God I was promised to be real is not, and as a grown man I sat upon a hill amongst the leaves and dry stone walls and cried.
I was literally walking in some wood, calling out to Jesus to show himself and then suddenly realising that I was actually closing the chapter on something I hadn’t realised I’d been keeping open… and with a snap, the book has closed.
During all of this, I was reminded of Kings 19:9-13, which says this (NIV):
9 There he went into a cave and spent the night.
The Lord Appears to Elijah
And the word of the Lord came to him: “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
10 He replied, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.”
11 The Lord said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”
I wanted to hear the gentle whisper of my Lord. I wanted to know the God I professed to be real. But all I saw as I frantically searched for Jesus was consciousness.
This is probably sounding nuts. But I hope it gives you a glimpse into me, as honest and raw as I can.
I thought that opening myself fully up, by fully removing and unravelling all the bravado, bullshit and ‘self’, I would be as vulnerable as I could. Then once in that place, I could scream out for God to show Himself, and that He would.
But in that place, I found nothing apart from consciousness. This consciousness went on forever, there weren’t boundaries or paths. An example would be the darkness you can experience when you lie down, putting a flannel over your eyes. Complete darkness, that if you actually look, doesn’t have any borders at all.
In this place, there wasn’t any desire, hope, fear, panic or end. That just was. It was the strangest thing I’ve ever felt.
I cried out to Jesus and found that which is ‘me’. I realised that I am rooted within the natural world, and gifted with consciousness, something we literally can’t explain properly. Annaka Harris has a great book on this called ‘Conscious: A Brief Guide to the Fundamental Mystery of the Mind’, it’s well worth a read – it will only take you an hour or so.
I realised that the ‘me’ I fuel keeps wanting to ask, learn, understand and grow. But then I saw it. ‘me’ had come to an end in these woods. I was gone and it was here that I realised death isn’t something to fear. It’s a door that we all pass through, and it is at the end of all our paths here in the natural world.
Now I am not saying I found God, and I will call bullshit on that stuff for as long as it seems like complete bullshit to me. But what I did realise is this universe, our existence and the lives we live are so complicated, intertwined and incredible, is it any wonder we have made gods up to explain it all and grant us comfort?
I sought for Jesus/Aslan and the God I felt like was alive. I found something else completely, this thing held no promises, no forever’s, no salvation. I found the substrate that makes all of us up, and I feel like I’ve woken up from a dream.
My desires, ambitions, hopes and actions need to be recalibrated. ‘Why am I doing this’, I need to ask myself this question every moment of every day. There isn’t a requirement or point to me to be ‘striving for’ or ‘hoping in’, within most of my life.
I have now, today. I have a family, and I can be present at this moment with them. I can enjoy life fully. I can be content in my lot. All of this, it doesn’t need a God to grant, it just requires a shift in consciousness.
It’s, for this reason, I will continue in my journey with Psilocybin, and I will continue to share it with you. Meditation is the touchstone, regular moments of present connection to this moment, here, right now. Waking Up for me started this journey, and I just hope I am able to experience this more before it is my time.
I lost Jesus in the woods, but I found something else that is more real than I am myself, yeah – maybe I am still high.
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